Dear Facebook

Hi, my name is Ellen, and frankly, I'm sick and tired of you. Yes, you, Facebook, and your other social networking friends. Twitter won't stop chirping in my ear about abortion and the definition of rape, Tumblr can't seem to resist posting indie pictures of various whimsical girls with hair-do's I'll never have the time or patience to do, and as for Instagram, no, I'm not interested in seeing 12 different versions of the same birthday cake in sepia, black and white, or "kelvin."

But I'm not picking a fight with these other social networking sites, and truthfully, I'm not here to bust Facebook itself. From The Social Network, we all know that Mark Zuckerberg was the naive Frankenstein behind a monster that has slowly taken over the youth of our culture.

I'm picking a fight with the users of Facebook. I've seen increasing statuses that say something like, "The next person who posts a ________ will find themselves with one less friend." Instead of threatening, I guess I'd rather just get off the dang site altogether. Think of this as my last plea before I start reverting to pen, paper, and stamps to communicate.

Please Facebookers, please don't post about how successful you are. Bragging online is no different than bragging in real life. I'm not happy for you that you're living in New York and that you're employed in the career you studied for.

I'm not jumping for joy that you can't decide between two jobs--West or East coast. I'm not going to send you a congratulatory card for getting into your first pick of grad schools, and I'm certainly not going to comment on your post if you're telling me how much weight you've lost.

Something tells me that if you're humble about your accomplishments, you'll not only feel they are more deserved, but you'll have more friends at the end of the day because of it.

I know this sounds extremely bitter, and that may be because I am. I'm human, and I'll admit it. I know that many of us need attention and recognition for our accomplishments--this is, after all, one of the stereotypes of our generation. I just don't want to be the one to stroke your ego.

Since these kinds of posts clutter my feed so often, maybe this is a hint that I just don't belong on a site like Facebook. Afterall, apparently Twitter is the new Facebook.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I just can't imagine that a few dozen "likes" and a couple comments is as satisfying a gratification as knowing in your heart of hearts that you've persevered, achieved your goals, and done both without bragging.

So, if you must tell me how happy, rich, successful, skinny, loved, or smart you are, do so with gratitude. Add "and I am so lucky, and so grateful for all the support I've had along the way" to the end of your brag.

Because let's face it, you didn't do it all by yourself.