The Gift of Frenemies

The following definition is from Wikipedia.com :

"Frenemy" (alternately spelled "frienemy") is a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" that can refer to either an enemy pretending to be your friend or someone who really is your friend but is also a rival.[1] The term is used to describe personal, geopolitical, and commercial relationships both among individuals and groups or institutions. The word has appeared in print as early as 1953."

As women, this definition is hardly necessary, as it seems to be a female right of passage to have had experience with the frenemy. Like any other woman out there, I too have had my fair share of experience with frenemies, but it was only in hind-sight that I realized that these experiences were actually a gift. In fact, they very well may have been instrumental in the evolution, and continued success, of Fabulous Shoe Night.

Let me explain ...

My experience with frenemies was truly one of the more bizarre periods of my life. I had decided, over several months, that I no longer wanted to be friends with a particular group of women. There was an increasingly nasty energy that I just wanted no part of. As a whole, they consisted of unnecessary drama, competition, superiority complexes and gossip. Half the time, they weren't even nice to one another. Such pervasive drama was just not my cup of tea. I was a frequent target of their "jokes," and, well … I'm no one's scapegoat. And I was not, by any means, their only target.  After gradually pulling away, they eventually noticed, and, strangely enough, that was when things got really vicious.

These women wanted to rip me to pieces from the inside out … emotionally dismember me. They wanted my dignity and self-respect, they wanted me to doubt myself, they even wanted some of my pre-existing friendships, and, in some cases, they got them. They wanted me to care that they had banded together in hatred (actual hatred!) of me, and were infuriated that I just didn't. The fact that I didn't care fueled this hatred, for the more time passed since I had walked away, the more intense their hatred became. 

None of it made sense, but it was clear I was a target … something to kick and put down to make them feel better about themselves, which is the very hallmark of frenemies. And when I decided I was having none of it by showing no reaction to the continuing gossip and drama, they actually got their husbands involved. Bizarre doesn't even begin to describe their collective behavior. I'm sorry, but I'm going to say it … normal people just don't behave like this.

I won't lie … I deeply was affected by this. To put it simply, I was devastated. I wasn't upset that we were no longer friends, for that was 100% my doing. I didn't care that they made it clear they didn't like me … that was actually a compliment of sorts. I was devastated that anyone could be that purposefully, collectively vicious to me. I don't have it in me to treat people as I was treated, and I think that's exactly why I was a target … because they perceived me as weak. But walking away was something they never expected, and by doing so, I took away their perceived power over me … and they were not happy about it.

The next several months were painful … I felt like an open wound. I knew I had done the right thing, for me, in walking away, but there was definitely collateral damage. Mutual, pre-existing friendships I had thought were unbreakable eventually ended. My take on it is that they didn't want to be "next," or simply chose quantity over quality, but I don't think I'll ever know, for I have been more or less shut out. My true friends rallied around me in love and support, and the friendships that ended …. well, it became  clear they actually weren't true friends. I realized that, in the end, I hadn't really lost anything worth saving.

It was during this raw period that the seeds of Fabulous Shoe Night began to plant themselves in my mind and heart. This was when I was having dinner with my dear friend Andrea when a woman came over and complimented us on our shoes, and this experience later became the topic of one of my very first blogs. (http://fabulousshoenight.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-we-began.html) Over the next several months, the idea  slowly took root, and eventually evolved into what it is now.

Today, Fabulous Shoe Night has grown into a modest success, and the good news is, we're just getting started. Women love the concept, look forward to our events, and our growth has been remarkable for both a new business and a new concept. Charities, restaurants and businesses have contacted us, hearing about our organization, asking how they, too, can get involved. We have held events at locations like Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Avenue and the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. We've even received press in local magazines, radio interviews and spots on the local news in several locations where we have chapters.

While the press and buzz generated are exciting, I'm most happy about the money we're raising for local charities. This little idea I had is working, and that's evident with every event we hold. 

It was my husband who pointed out that if I were still friends with these women, there would likely be no Fabulous Shoe Night. They would have either undermined my confidence that I could do this, sabotage it completely, or try to wrest control away. I have always said that I got the very idea for Fabulous Shoe Night from God, in answer to my prayers of pointing me in the direction of the true purpose of my life. (http://fabulousshoenight.blogspot.com/2012/10/whenever-i-explain-fabulous-shoe-night.html)  Little did I know that He cleared the path first.

The gift in these seemingly negative experiences with frenemies clearly  show us all, with intense clarity, what it is we don't want in life. They show  you what you are, what you're made of, and what you will, and will not, tolerate. They clear the way to make room for real, true friendships, for superficial friends could never weather such storms. They show you your very worth, perhaps when you didn't even know it yourself, with laser-like precision. They strip you bare in the most primitive, basic sense of the  word … of all pretense, misconception and BS, leaving you with the very essence of what and who you truly are. 

Sadly, my experience was anything but unique, and has undoubtably been shared by most, if not all, women. In your own experience with frenemies, harbor no ill will. In your heart, silently thank them and move on, for now you know better ... and in the words of Maya Angelou, "When you know better, you do better."

We at Fabulous Shoe Night are doing better ... and we hope that you'll join us. I can assure you, whether you know anyone or not, you'll be among friends.



Never violate the sacredness of your individual self-respect. ~~ Theodore Parker